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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  April 9, 2014 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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most be like jesus on earth today. you come up with pope francis. >> stephen: tonight, did the c.i.a. go too far to fight terrorism? if you answered yes, the drones are on the way! (laughter) then standardized tests get an update. reading comprehension will now be limited to 140 characters! (laughter) and my guest dame jane goodall has a new book, seeds of hope, wisdom of the world of plants. it's printed on dead plants. new documents allege al sharpton was an informant.
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he must have joined msnbc as the wit protection program. this is the "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! thank you for joining us! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us! (audience chanting) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: nation, it's been three weeks since vladimir putin annexed crimea and president obama still
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refuses to intervene. we have got to invade before putin's slave army vanquishes all of europe on his way to westoros. full disclosure -- i may have been flipping between fox news and "game of thrones" the other night, but i still say, putin has dragons! (laughter) it's believable. now, you may say, stephen, americans have no vested interest here because, according to a new "washington post" poll, only "one out of six americans can find ukraine on a map," although two found waldo. but the same exact poll found "the less americans know about ukraine's location, the more they want the u.s. to intervene." damn straight! this is america! we don't need to know where a country is to send troops there. yeah! (cheers and applause) i mean, eventually, you want to check google maps, but after you give the order.
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besides, why don't i know where that country is? what is it hiding? in fact, there are plenty of places i'd like to invade for not knowing where they are -- paraguay, uzbekistan, wherever the hell my keys are. see, folks, i believe in democracy, especially when it comes to geography. the ukraine is wherever the american people say it is. and according to this poll, americans say it's everywhere - (applause) all those jobs are guesses where it is, okay? evidently, there's some ukraine in greenland, a bit of ukraine in africa, there's even some ukraine in the indian ocean. which is the only ukraine cnn is willing to cover right now.
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most alarming, there's some ukraine in iowa, which means it's only a matter of time before putin invades and then wins the g.o.p. straw poll -- with dragons! (laughter) goodbye, pen. i don't care what anybody says, you cannot trust maps. they're always changing their story. one day it's pangea, 300 million years later it's something else. c'mon! make up your mind! is alaska up "here"? or is it tucked under arizona next to hawaii? (laughter) i went to the iditarod last year and packed nothing but a speedo. so, bravo, american people. it's great to see that the less you know about the ukraine crisis, the more you're willing to use military force. so i'll do my part and go back to not covering it.
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(applause) folks, the c.i.a. no longer has an enhanced interrogation program. and we know that because we've been assured of it by the people who said we never had one. some people still whine about it, but like a detainee in a stress position, these critics don't have a leg to stand on. because enhanced interrogation worked. >> the steps we took, including, i think, things like enhanced interrogation techniques, made it possible for us ultimately to provide the intelligence that was required to take down bin laden. >> if you're going to say that we should not have conducted the enhanced interrogation program, you've got to be willing to say how many american lives would you have been willing to put at risk because you didn't want to waterboard khalid sheikh mohammed. >> anybody who has seen "oh dark
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thirty," knows that there are pretty good arguments that those interrogations gave us a lot of intelligence information. >> stephen: that underinflated macy's balloon is right. (laughter) anyone who's seen "oh dark thirty "-- as no one calls it -- knows that torture gave us a lot of intelligence information that led directly to bin laden. the same way anyone who's seen "forrest gump" snows the vietnam war led directly to bubba gump's shrimp shack mac and cheese! (laughter) learn your history. (cheers and applause) but last week news leaked of a senate intelligence committee report that is highly critical of the interrogation program. one official summarized the report, saying -- "the c.i.a. described its program... as getting unique, otherwise unobtainable intelligence that helped disrupt terrorist plots and save thousands of lives... was that actually true? the answer is no ." how many (bleep) do i give? the answer is none. because we "did" learn valuable
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information from this program. we learned that the united states is willing to torture people. i did not know that! former c.i.a. director and grownup paranoid charlie brown, michael hayden defended the program on fox news sunday, saying that torture wasn't just about getting the facts. >> the report says that information about bin laden's courier came from a detainee while he was being questioned by kurds in northern iraq long before he was taken to a cia prison and given enhanced interrogation. >> chris, i am aware that simply learning a fact is not the same thing as learning the importance of that fact. >> stephen: exactly, the c.i.a. may have already known the name of bin laden's courier, but that information didn't sound important until it was being screamed through a wet rag. (laughter)
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point is... what was the point? >> director panetta, when asked by the congress to comment on "did the interrogation program help with getting us to abbotabad," said very clearly that that information was part of the information, part of the intelligence stream that led to the killing of osama bin laden at abbotabad. director panetta went on to say, and we'll never know whether or not we may have gotten that information through another way, but he did not deny that information from this program helped pinpoint bin laden. >> stephen: yes, we'll never know whether or not we may have gotten that information another way. other than the other way we know we got it. (laughter) (cheers and applause) huge fans of information here tonight. (laughter)
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but we do know that we tortured people -- and later we got bin laden. that's not me saying it. that's science. and that mad man over there. okay? besides, in this complex world, who knows what leads to something else happening. it's just like how if a butterfly flaps its wings in the amazon, that might "also" have led to bin laden. we'll never know until the c.i.a. captures that butterfly and pulls its wings off. (laughter) but look, i can agree with me all night. there's only one sure way to confront this painful chapter in our history -- never confront it. i have been saying that with my friends for years. >> we need to get this behind us. >> this is ancient history now, and we adopted this program and we should now not be going after or disparaging the people that carried it out. (elsa singing "let it go" from
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"frozen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: well said, dana perino. at this point, the whole torture debate is just water under the bridge and up the nostril. and i gotta point something out. why is it that i and the other people who supported enhanced interrogation are the only ones willing to get past it? this has got to be a two-way street. some people thought it was right, others thought it was wrong. let's meet in the middle and never discuss it again. this is about our relationship as a nation. and in a relationship, when someone does something shameful -- say, cheat on your spouse or chain someone in the basement of a czech disco for three years -- do you keep dredging it up? no! you take the pain and you stuff it down deep, act like everything's fine and get on with your lives.
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then ten years later, a little league ump makes a bad call and you go at him with a plank from the bleachers. "you call that a strike?! "are you (bleep) blind?! it was one night on a work trip and it meant nothing to me! unfreeze your heart!" (cheers and applause) point is, we're over it. we'll be right back. hershey's drops. perfectly bite-sized drops of rich and creamy chocolate happiness. when the chocolate is hershey's, life is delicious.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. thanks so much. nation, it's no secret barack obama wants to indoctrinate our students with his socialist agenda. i've even heard disturbing rumors that kindergarteners are being forced to share. (laughter) that's why i've long opposed his common core curriculum which sets uniform education standards across all a 50 states. no way! different states have different values. i don't want my kid ending up in colorado's drug education course, which classifies weed as a condiment. (laughter) but i may be coming around on the common core, because it turns out common core testing prepares our students for what they'll face as adults. pointless stress and confusion.
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(laughter) new common core standards straight from the government being adopted in 45 states and confusing the heck out of parents. >> critics say these tests are hurting, not helping students. >> the kids are anxious and uptight. >> it's stressful. ridiculous. i wouldn't allow my kids to take the test today. they were stressing over it and they were getting upset. >> stephen: oh, come on! tests are supposed to be stressful! that's why they called it a blood pressure test which i aced with a 16 hup. what are are the kids so worried about? look at this math question. find jack's error, then write a letter to jack telling him what he did right and what he should do to fix his mistake. that's a great question. teaches two important workplace skills -- math and passive aggressive note writing. it's going to come in handy!
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(applause) folks, we all know it's going to come in handy when you have to leave post it notes about proper yogurt etiquette in the break room fridge. folks, that word problem couldn't be easier to solve. all you have to do is check the semicircles on the two-sided arrow, put the numbers up in it and, bing, bang, math! the same thing i do when i get a check at a restaurant. draw a bunch of shapes and tell the waitress to find my error, and i for one do not see why kids aren't nailing total gimmes like this next question. mike saw 17 blue cars and 25 green cars in the toy store, how many cars did he see? write a number sentence with a grey box for the missing number. explain how the number sentence shows the problem. that's easy. and if for some reason you don't know what a number sentence is, i'm sure you could use a word equation or a formula paragraph. and there's hard proof that the common core is already opening our children's minds to new ways of thinking.
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just look at this actual answer to that question given by a california second grader. 17 plus 2 25 equals 42. i got the answer by talking in my brain and i greed of the answer that may brain got. (laughter) in fact, that is the same answer i agreed of in my brain. (laughter) folks, this child has a bright future. he's only in second grade and can already clearly explain what it feels like to think. now we just need to get him to explain what that feels like to whoever wrote the common core question. question. we'll be right back.
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oh, uh, cheez-it zingz, the crunchiest cheez-it yet. ♪ ehh ehh ehh ehh... please no... ♪ ...wild zingz. we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into our zingz crackers. because at cheez-it, real cheese matters. >> stephen: my guest tonight is a renowned scientist. please welcome dame jane goodall! (cheers and applause) dr. goodall, thank you so much for being here. it's such a pleasure to meet you. i've obviously been fascinated with your work since i was just a boy. everyone knows you as the chimpanzee expert. >> that's right. >> stephen: if i were a chimp that you were meeting for the first time, would there be something different about your body language right now if you were meeting me for the first
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time? if you were treating me like a chimp, what would it be? >> absolutely. >> stephen: what would be it be? >> do you want to demonstrate? yes, i do. right here? do i stand or -- >> you stand. you do as i well you. okay? (laughter) you're the big male so you're dominant. yep, like that. and i'm a little bit nervous of you. now, you mustn't make a sound, right? no sound from you. no, nothing. i make the sound. so i just go -- uh, uh, uh, uh, uh -- but you actually like me, so you go uh, uh, uh, uh, uh -- (applause) >> are we going steady now? we're going steady. all right. everybody knows you work in tanzania and you work with flo, gigi, froto, mike and humphrey.
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now your book is called seeds of hope, the wisdom and wonder from the world of plants. why go from chimpanzees to plants? tid you get bored? >> no. >> stephen: you've seen one on roller skates you've seen them all? >> we're trying to get them off of roller skates. >> stephen: in this job market, i wouldn't advise it. >> i had to leave the forest because the forest across africa are disappearing as they are around the world. chimpanzee numbers are dropping. so i had to start talking about the terrible things we're doing to the planet. >> stephen: what are we doing to the plants? how are we hurting them? >> every way you can imagine. we're destroying them by cutting down the forests which leads to co2 which adds to climate change. we are taking over more and more
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ecosystems for our developments, our buildings, our supermarkets. we're mining deep in the forest, we're making roads for the hunters to come kill the animals. >> stephen: but we produce a lot of co2 now. don't the plants use that for food? aren't we helping the plants as much as hurting them? >> no. at one time we lived in harmony, but now balance, we're releasing fossil fuels, cutten down forests, adding to greenhouse gases. look at the climate. we've had the worst winter in eastern north america, the wettest winter. it's not so beautiful if you're
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a farmer. not really. >> stephen: here's the thing that worries me about your new studies is the things you were doing before with chimpanzees, you were seeing them as individuals and having empathy for them. am i going to have empathy for plants now? because i don't want to feel guilty when i'm, you know, chowing down on an ear of corn this summer. >> you'll probably be chewing on corn but might not in the long run. some of these trees, when you meet 2,000-year-old trees and you think, my goodness! how amazing! you put your hands on the bark with the sap going off of it -- >> stephen: jane goodall, are you trying to make me cry about trees?
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(cheers and applause) you learned extraordinary things about chimpanzees, that they're tool users. in fact, let's take a look at this little clip there. >> the chimpanzees are in their natural location. lewis got extremely excited and said we have to redefine man, tools or include chimpanzees with humans. >> stephen: looks like that chimp is laughing at us. >> probably is. >> stephen: are you one of those people -- and what worries me about that clip, are you one of those people who believes in this evolution game? (laughter) all your lives of living with
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chimps, did you see one of them evolve into a man? fall out of a tree, hair comes off, puts on a tie, he's a man? just one, and i'm on board. >> no. >> stephen: ever happen? i'm afraid you will never be able to join me on this band wagon. >> stephen: oh, well, that's too bad. >> that's too bad. >> stephen: because we're going steady. >> well, you just blew it. (cheering) >> stephen: jane goodall, >> stephen: jane goodall, "seeds of hope." yo, untamed larger than life, >> stephen: jane goodall, "seeds of hope." move fast fruit flavor, watermelon, blue razz green apple. your taste buds dancing. it's the jolly rancher, we make it happen. untamed fruit flavor. jolly rancher.
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my tell 'em shemes doesn't solve the crimes. don't call babe ? we're not together. what? i have your lipstick all over my rim. look, this morning was great... it was, it was amazing, but it's over. over like, over...joyed? look i'm from new hampshire you're a beverage. sarah, i'm having a weird day. alright we're done. break up with lingering food. ding! this is such an us fight... it's such an us kind of fight. for that just brushed clean feeling... ♪eat, drink, chew orbit
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh announcer: from new york city, "comedy central presents" - juston mckinney. - [cheers, whistles & applause] thank you. [cheers, whistles & applause] wow. nice. thank you. wow. yeah! [cheers, whistles & applause] man. i am-- i am so happy to be here and i'm so-- - ow! - yeah, you too, dude. thanks. i'm so happy and i'm so impressed that comedy central, after going back and forth three times,


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